Just Ask, Doofus


Jack and Jill sat on a hilltop staring at a doorway, standing among a vast dandelion field. The stainless steel doorposts and lintel gleamed in the bright summer sunlight. The door was crafted of dark oak; no discerning marks; no ornate carvings etched into its surface; pretty dull actually. It was adorned with a simple satin nickle plated knob; your basic Home Depot $3.97 variety.

Jack–a gym lunk–had circled this door a hundred times over the last few hours, trying his best to figure out why in the world a doorway stood in the middle of a dandelion field, at the top of a hill. The back mirrored the front, and both sides were locked. Despite his great strength, he couldn’t force his way through; couldn’t break off the knob; couldn’t even kick over the whole assembly. Every few minutes, he’d sit down just long enough to allow his anger to reset.

Jill–a quiet, dainty librarian–had simply sat quietly staring at the door and mused over Jack’s antics. Something about the atmosphere of their surroundings was soothing. A light summer breeze lifted her bangs. The yellow sea of dandelions amid the green ocean of summer grass, underneath a perfect blue sky was invigorating. And then, there were the voices resonating from behind the door.

“How the %$#& can you continue sitting there with that stupid smile on your face,” Jack ranted. “You hear them in there calling us! Get off your @$$ and think of way to get in, nerd!”

Jill simply giggled at the laughter echoing beyond the locked door. “Not yet,” she replied. Her voice small and coy.

“Whadaya mean, ‘Not yet’!” Jack yelled. “We’ve been out here forever! You know what? Whatever geek!”

Jack set his feet and squat into a dead-lift stance. Jill raised an eyebrow, as she watched him.

“I’ll get that %$#&*!@ door open,” Jack grunted. He tucked his arms into his sides, inhaled deep and pushed within, straining.

Jill watched as Jack’s tanned apricot complexion shifted toward maroon. His neck sprouted mighty veins. His taut muscles popped sinewy strands underneath his sweaty skin. His face contorted. A mighty wind sifted and uprooted dandelions, grass and chunks of earth around his trembling body. He was enveloped by a ominous purple light, as the chaos circled him like a stationary tornado. Jack roared. The winds stopped, and the debris settled. He dropped to a knee, puffing shallow breaths.

“Now we’re talkin’,” he groaned. Laying on the ground, in a scorched earth-patch before Jack, was a tattered black leather duffle bag. He glanced up at Jill; a smirk curled his lips. “Don’t bother to get up, nerd. I’ll get us in that door in no time, flat. You just sit your pretty little head there, and ol’ Jack’s gonna handle this.”

Jill smiled and shook her head. “Not yet,” she replied.

“Oh no?” Jack laughed. He unzipped the bag, reached deep inside and pulled out a DP-12, double-barrel, pump repeater, tactical 12-gauge shotgun. Jack stood up and racked the weapon.


“I think now.” Jack said, as he squared the weapon against his right shoulder and squeezed the trigger twice.


The shotgun thundered cannon fire. Dust flew through the air. Flames shot from each barrel. Smoking shell casings flew over Jill’s head, as the shots exploded against the oak door, in a brilliant puff of smoke.

“Ha, ha; woo!” Jack  screamed. “Open sesame! Did you see that, lil’ lady? Let’s–”

Jack’s triumphant gloating shrank into morbid unbelief.

“What the %$#&!” he screamed, as the smoke cleared revealing the unblemished door. Jack squared off, and aimed the weapon again.

Jill covered her ears, and shut her eyes. Still, the constant CLACK-CLACK and THOOM-THOOM of the weapon was deafening. When the rancid gun-powder smoke dissipated, the door remained; posts and lintel still gleaming; the oak surface unmarked by the barrage of gunfire. Jill smiled.

“Not yet.”

“Shut up, you geek!” Jack yelled. He launched the shotgun through the air, then rifled through the duffle bag again, muttering curses as his arms sank elbow deep into the mysterious void.

Jill watched the drama unfold with a whimsical smile. She saw Jack’s exasperation melt as his hands clearly wrapped around something heavy, deep within the bag. He stood up and yanked out an M134 gatling machine gun. Its 0.30 caliber bullets ammunition belt disappeared into the void of the duffle bag. Jack hoisted the weapon and ran 10 feet toward the door, dragging the endless belt through the grass.

“Open up, mutha f–”

Jack’s offensive barrage was cut off by the explosion of the weapon’s rapid fire. At point blank range, Jill saw nothing but sparking ricocheting rounds and engulfing white smoke. Despite the protection of her hands, her ears rang as the weapon spit fire and mayhem at the door. Jack’s muscles rippled against the recoil of the awesome weapon. Grass and Dandelions around him were ripped from the ground by the shear force of the gun’s mighty power.

Finally, the last of the ammunition belt snaked its way from the bag through the gun feeder. Jack released the gun and it crashed to the barren earth beneath his feet. As the summer breeze cleared the smoke, Jill smiled once again.

“No! How can this be?! Don’t you say a  %$#&*!@ word, Jill!”


“No! I said shut up! I can open that door! Just you wait!”

Jack stomped back toward the duffle bag, trailing a flurry of obscenities in his wake. Jill slowly stood, and stretched.

Jack?” She called.

“Shut up! Not a word, geek! As soon as I find this RPG 7 rocket launcher, I’m gonna blow that door apart!”

Jill sighed, then turned toward the door. Jack was too busy rummaging through the duffle bag to notice her dainty skirt casually swishing through the easy breeze. As she approached the smooth oak door–not so much as a scratch across its surface–Jill turned back to Jack, with a sympathetic glance.

“Now,” she whispered. Jill lightly rapped three times across the door. A deep soothing voice thundered through the blue sky.


“It’s me, Lord: Jill. I’d very much like to come in and stay with you.” Jill replied.


Jill gently twisted the knob and the door cracked opened, flooding the dandelion field with an indescribably beautiful and radiant light. The voices–once muffled behind the locked door–now sang out a glorious hymn. Jill slipped through the crack, smiling ear to ear. She turned back once, beaming at Jack. Then, slipping through the opening, the door shut behind her.


Jack heard the voice of the Lord thunder across the blue sky and immediately knew who was speaking. Rage and fear surged through his veins, as he shot a glance toward the door.

“No! Wait!” He screamed. “Wait for me!”

Less than fifteen feet away, there was Jill turning the knob. Jack sprang to his feet, but his first step landed in quicksand, where the dandelion field had recently been. The path before him lay in desolation where his weaponry had wrecked havoc across the beautiful field. He struggled to advance. Suddenly, the door cracked open and Jack was blinded and burned by a light brighter than the noonday sun. He wailed.

“Wait for me!”

The harder he struggled, the faster he sank. Just before the sands of sin swallowed him and his eyes submerged, Jack saw Jill smile at him as she slipped through the doorway to heaven.


James 4:2-3 (NKJV) – “You lust and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and war. Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.”



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